"Something stinks in suburbia..."

I hope all the McDreamy fangirls aren’t going to flame me for saying this, but CAN’T BUY ME LOVE (1987) is not much more than a moderately funny Patrick Dempsey vehicle picture. Yes, children, once upon a time, there was such a thing. That skinny, curly-haired moppet seemed to pop up in practically every teen movie as the ubiquitous babe in geek’s clothing. This isn’t my favorite movie he did in this decade, but it’s harmless and appealing enough to go well with, say, a bag of microwaved popcorn on a rainy afternoon. The plot is easy to follow, relaxing, and offers a few pleasant giggles along the way with a healthy dose of angsty adolescent nostalgia.

Ronald is a hopelessly lame guy who spends his much of his free time tooling around in a lawnmower outside of Cindy Mancini’s house, hoping for a glimpse of the ultra-cool cheerleader. His life is constrained by a rigid routine: homework, lawnmowing, poker night with the guys. Nothing much ever changes and it’s making him crazy. Secretly he yearns for a miracle that will turn around his geekdom and allow him to enjoy a normal social life in his senior year of high school. As they say, good things come to those who wait. He gets the chance of a lifetime when he spots Cindy having a nervous breakdown at the mall, trying to return her mom’s priceless white suede jumpsuit with fringes (don’t laugh, it was the 80s) after she spilled red wine all over it at a party. Ronald was intending to buy a fancy telescope with the money he saved up all summer from mowing lawns, but instead he decides to bail out Cindy and give her a thousand dollars of his hard-earned money to replace the jumpsuit. Before you sigh with admiration at his generosity, wait for the catch: he tells Cindy he wants to “rent her” as his fake girlfriend.

Cindy is horrified, but she has no choice but to agree to this Faustian bargain. In return for the cash, she will help him navigate the social perils of the lunchroom, pizzeria, and school hallway. The idea is that her very presence will make Ronald popular by osmosis. Everyone is appalled by the new couple, both the cool and nerdy kids. But slowly, public perceptions of Ronald start to change. Meanwhile, Cindy and Ronald’s relationship starts blurring the line between business and pleasure, spending more time together and sharing touching thoughts and feelings. Ronald washes her car and Cindy reads him a poem she wrote. He plans an incredibly romantic date which starts out at an airplane junkyard (this is rather inexplicable… I don’t think I can blame this one on the 80s) and ends up looking at the moon in the convertible. Understandably, Cindy completely misreads his signals. Just as she leans in for the big kiss, Ronald busts out with the thought that they should start planning their public breakup. Crushed, but trying not to show it, Cindy goes along with the plan and Ronald makes an over-the-top scandal in the schoolyard the next day. Everyone is so impressed that he had the gall to break up with the hottest girl in school that his social stock skyrockets and the popular girls are all over him.

Ronald thinks he’s got it made, but then he comes face-to-face with the cold hard reality: his coolness is a complete sham. When he is asked to the dance, he panics and rushes to the television, hoping to get a crash-course in the latest moves and grooves from American Bandstand. Tragically, he flips the channel to a documentary on African tribal rituals instead, which brings us to the highlight and the true historical significance of this film: the notorious African Anteater Ritual. At the big dance, he enthusiastically performs perhaps the most spastic and hilarious dance scene of the 80s. The crowd is stunned speechless by his bizarre display. Then a witless jock speaks up: “If the Ronster is doing it, it must be new!” Everyone agrees and by the end of the night, it’s the newest dance craze to sweep the town. Only the nerds who recognize the tribal ritual are clued in to what Ronald has done and shun him completely for his sanctimonious hypocrisy. But there’s nothing they can do. It seems Ronald’s coolness is a force of nature that cannot be stopped. But in his hubris, Ronald has forgotten about the wild card, the only one who knows the secret of his success. And when her social fortunes take a nosedive, Cindy publicly lashes out at the architect of her misery. Will Ronald survive her scathing revelation and succeed in putting things right again? If you don’t already know the answer, watch the film for a textbook case study of conventional 80s teen film conclusions.

The film is not all fluff and silliness. The arrangement between Ronald and Cindy raises many questions about the balance of the sexes and the fine line between the perception of sex as consumption or labor. While nothing serious ever happens between them, the fact that money has changed hands makes the whole thing seem really seedy. As their respective popularities flip-flop, it is never clear who's getting the better end of the deal. Furthermore, the hilarious confusion about the African Anteater Ritual dance is a clever send-up of not only of the rather insane dance styles of the 80s, but of the arbitrary and ephemeral nature of “coolness” itself. Presumably all the high school kids who watched this film were convinced that chasing trends is stupid and resolved to just be themselves from then on. This scene is a wonderful gem of cultural history and the best part of the movie. I’m sharing the clip with you here for edifying and instructive purposes. For those of you with a passionate adoration for Patrick Dempsey or a lot of time to spare, you might want to go ahead and watch the whole thing. 3/5 stars.

THE UNVEILING OF THE AFRICAN ANTEATER RITUAL:

"It's almost like school in there!"

What happens when you throw every cinematic cliché of the 80s onto the screen at the same time? I’m talking about combining a tough-talking urbanista, pregnant new-waver, helium-voiced geek, distracted surfer chick, amateur gigolo, stupid football player, foreign exchange hottie, and two freaks who reenact scenes from horror movies in gruesome detail at every opportunity? Well, in the case of SUMMER SCHOOL (1987), you get a veritable miracle of comedic alchemy. This throw-away flick was clearly made with more love and care than the typical teen comedies of today. That's why this spicy potpourri of comic zingers and visual gags keeps audiences laughing over two decades after many of its more stuffy contemporaries have been forgotten.

Slacker gym teacher Freddie Shoop is suckered into giving up his vacation in Hawaii to teach remedial English to a bunch of losers in summer school. This course is designed for students at the bottom of the academic and social barrel, and lackadaisical Shoop is woefully unprepared for dealing with them. “I’m not a real teacher!” he protests to the Vice Principal. “That’s okay, they’re not real students,” he is told. Shoop cobbles together a lesson plan based on the kids’ personal experiences, combined with crazy field trips. He is busted by the mean Vice Principal for his unconventional methods and threatens to turn him in to the Principal. To save his skin, Shoop swears his students will pass the exam, but underestimates the students’ resistance. Finally, they come to an understanding: if Shoop grants each of them one wish, they will study hard and pass the exam. Neither Shoop nor the kids realized what they bargained for… keeping up both ends of the agreement will turn out to be far more challenging than any of them imagined!

The biggest strength of this film is the perfect execution of the 80’s ensemble cast technique. This is harder to accomplish than one might think. Every actor holds up his end of the script and fits together with the others like the pieces of a puzzle. No single character upstages the others and all are equally unique and memorable. It may even outshine THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985) in the sense that it takes the complex interpersonal dynamics of the students out of the confines of the school setting. It allows us to observe the private details of their personal lives, creating well-rounded characterizations and opportunities for interesting interactions and scenarios. Viewers often comment on how relatable the characters are, either to themselves or people they know. There’s a reason why teen movies often recycle the same stereotypes, and that’s because they are usually accurate. Here, the formulaic roles are so deliciously twisted, so ridiculously goofy, that it infuses the tired old clichés with fresh new life

This is a rather short review, as there’s really not much else to say. The movie is as simple and straightforward as they come. This is a theatrical experience which must be experienced and savored, not over-analyzed to death. I guarantee that you will laugh like a monkey and probably hate yourself for doing so. Then, you will check to make sure nobody is looking, hit rewind on the VCR, and watch the whole thing again. It really is that hilarious! 3/5 stars.

SHOOP AND THE KIDS STRIKE A BARGAIN:

“Welcome to St. Basil’s!”

I'll admit that I've never been a fan of Andrew McCarthy. In fact, I think Andie's choice of bland, spineless Blaine over Duckie may well be the most puzzling and unsatisfying conclusion in that whole decade of moviemaking. But in HEAVEN HELP US (1985), he more than makes up for that debacle. Here, McCarthy finally achieves a flawless balance between shy, sensitive and romantic in the role of Catholic schoolboy Michael Dunn. After the death of his parents, Michael must adjust to a difficult family life, with his overzealous grandparents pressuring him to enter the church, and a peculiar little sister who needs a lot of attention. If all that wasn't stressful enough, he struggles to fit in with the rough-and-tumble boys in his new school, win the affection of the tough chick at the soda fountain, and avoid the strap of sadistic Brother Constance in class.

The jokes are frequent, sharp, and often utterly outrageous, pushing the envelope of religious and social taboos, but never the boundary of good taste. But what elevates this film above the realm of the typical teen comedy is its courageous willingness to confront important issues with sincerity and compassion. It addresses serious questions of religious belief, corporeal punishment, mental health issues, the connection between religion and social class, and how to cope with family expectations. But it never veers off into maudlin or preachy territory, and you will probably not even notice how thoughtful this film is because you will be laughing too hard!

One of the biggest treats is the always luminous and lovely Mary Stuart Masterson, who plays Michael’s love interest Dani, the blue-collar counter girl. Even with virtually no wardrobe or hairstyle to work with here, Masterson turns in an impressive performance, her image glowing right out of the screen by virtue of spunk and spirit alone. I loved the way the romance between Michael and Dani was portrayed. There is nothing syrupy or soft-lit about these two, just a pure and sweet depth of feeling that I could realistically imagine lasting well into old age. In addition to the rest of the soundtrack which features a spirited potpourri of 50's pop hits, cheeky Celtic jigs, and classics of traditional liturgy, Michael and Dani have a single love scene which showcases a downright brilliant use of Otis Redding's tearjerker "I've Been Loving You Too Long."

Why has this gem of a film been so unfairly denied a place in the pantheon of 80's classics? I think the fact that it's a 60's period piece lacking contemporary fashion and music meant that it didn’t receive the right marketing or audience placement when it was released, and it simply fell through the cracks. In my opinion, it should still qualify under the 80’s genre, as it is an outstanding example of the 80’s ensemble teen cast aesthetic. Each of the characters holds up their corner of the plot so memorably, so uniquely, that I guarantee you will catch yourself giggling over their exploits long after the end credits have finished rolling.

Who can keep a straight face for the scene where Rooney examines the boys' lists of sins before confessional and performs his expert mathematical wizardry to reduce their penances? The always excellent Wallace Shawn makes an unforgettable cameo as a histrionic priest who gives the pre-dance sermon on the dangers of lust. But the comic zenith of the movie is probably when perverted altar-boy Williams is helping the priest give communion to the girls. There is not a strip of skin shown, but it may well be the bawdiest, raunchiest, and most hilarious scene ever!

Okay, so I don't want to completely wreck the film for you by enumerating every single scene. Then I would ruin all the surprises, and besides, there are simply too many to squeeze into a reasonably-sized movie review. So just go out and see it, already! This movie is as good as a modern-day miracle. 5/5 stars.

HERE IS THE SCENE WHERE MICHAEL AND DANI DANCE: