"Something stinks in suburbia..."

I hope all the McDreamy fangirls aren’t going to flame me for saying this, but CAN’T BUY ME LOVE (1987) is not much more than a moderately funny Patrick Dempsey vehicle picture. Yes, children, once upon a time, there was such a thing. That skinny, curly-haired moppet seemed to pop up in practically every teen movie as the ubiquitous babe in geek’s clothing. This isn’t my favorite movie he did in this decade, but it’s harmless and appealing enough to go well with, say, a bag of microwaved popcorn on a rainy afternoon. The plot is easy to follow, relaxing, and offers a few pleasant giggles along the way with a healthy dose of angsty adolescent nostalgia.

Ronald is a hopelessly lame guy who spends his much of his free time tooling around in a lawnmower outside of Cindy Mancini’s house, hoping for a glimpse of the ultra-cool cheerleader. His life is constrained by a rigid routine: homework, lawnmowing, poker night with the guys. Nothing much ever changes and it’s making him crazy. Secretly he yearns for a miracle that will turn around his geekdom and allow him to enjoy a normal social life in his senior year of high school. As they say, good things come to those who wait. He gets the chance of a lifetime when he spots Cindy having a nervous breakdown at the mall, trying to return her mom’s priceless white suede jumpsuit with fringes (don’t laugh, it was the 80s) after she spilled red wine all over it at a party. Ronald was intending to buy a fancy telescope with the money he saved up all summer from mowing lawns, but instead he decides to bail out Cindy and give her a thousand dollars of his hard-earned money to replace the jumpsuit. Before you sigh with admiration at his generosity, wait for the catch: he tells Cindy he wants to “rent her” as his fake girlfriend.

Cindy is horrified, but she has no choice but to agree to this Faustian bargain. In return for the cash, she will help him navigate the social perils of the lunchroom, pizzeria, and school hallway. The idea is that her very presence will make Ronald popular by osmosis. Everyone is appalled by the new couple, both the cool and nerdy kids. But slowly, public perceptions of Ronald start to change. Meanwhile, Cindy and Ronald’s relationship starts blurring the line between business and pleasure, spending more time together and sharing touching thoughts and feelings. Ronald washes her car and Cindy reads him a poem she wrote. He plans an incredibly romantic date which starts out at an airplane junkyard (this is rather inexplicable… I don’t think I can blame this one on the 80s) and ends up looking at the moon in the convertible. Understandably, Cindy completely misreads his signals. Just as she leans in for the big kiss, Ronald busts out with the thought that they should start planning their public breakup. Crushed, but trying not to show it, Cindy goes along with the plan and Ronald makes an over-the-top scandal in the schoolyard the next day. Everyone is so impressed that he had the gall to break up with the hottest girl in school that his social stock skyrockets and the popular girls are all over him.

Ronald thinks he’s got it made, but then he comes face-to-face with the cold hard reality: his coolness is a complete sham. When he is asked to the dance, he panics and rushes to the television, hoping to get a crash-course in the latest moves and grooves from American Bandstand. Tragically, he flips the channel to a documentary on African tribal rituals instead, which brings us to the highlight and the true historical significance of this film: the notorious African Anteater Ritual. At the big dance, he enthusiastically performs perhaps the most spastic and hilarious dance scene of the 80s. The crowd is stunned speechless by his bizarre display. Then a witless jock speaks up: “If the Ronster is doing it, it must be new!” Everyone agrees and by the end of the night, it’s the newest dance craze to sweep the town. Only the nerds who recognize the tribal ritual are clued in to what Ronald has done and shun him completely for his sanctimonious hypocrisy. But there’s nothing they can do. It seems Ronald’s coolness is a force of nature that cannot be stopped. But in his hubris, Ronald has forgotten about the wild card, the only one who knows the secret of his success. And when her social fortunes take a nosedive, Cindy publicly lashes out at the architect of her misery. Will Ronald survive her scathing revelation and succeed in putting things right again? If you don’t already know the answer, watch the film for a textbook case study of conventional 80s teen film conclusions.

The film is not all fluff and silliness. The arrangement between Ronald and Cindy raises many questions about the balance of the sexes and the fine line between the perception of sex as consumption or labor. While nothing serious ever happens between them, the fact that money has changed hands makes the whole thing seem really seedy. As their respective popularities flip-flop, it is never clear who's getting the better end of the deal. Furthermore, the hilarious confusion about the African Anteater Ritual dance is a clever send-up of not only of the rather insane dance styles of the 80s, but of the arbitrary and ephemeral nature of “coolness” itself. Presumably all the high school kids who watched this film were convinced that chasing trends is stupid and resolved to just be themselves from then on. This scene is a wonderful gem of cultural history and the best part of the movie. I’m sharing the clip with you here for edifying and instructive purposes. For those of you with a passionate adoration for Patrick Dempsey or a lot of time to spare, you might want to go ahead and watch the whole thing. 3/5 stars.

THE UNVEILING OF THE AFRICAN ANTEATER RITUAL:

"It's almost like school in there!"

What happens when you throw every cinematic cliché of the 80s onto the screen at the same time? I’m talking about combining a tough-talking urbanista, pregnant new-waver, helium-voiced geek, distracted surfer chick, amateur gigolo, stupid football player, foreign exchange hottie, and two freaks who reenact scenes from horror movies in gruesome detail at every opportunity? Well, in the case of SUMMER SCHOOL (1987), you get a veritable miracle of comedic alchemy. This throw-away flick was clearly made with more love and care than the typical teen comedies of today. That's why this spicy potpourri of comic zingers and visual gags keeps audiences laughing over two decades after many of its more stuffy contemporaries have been forgotten.

Slacker gym teacher Freddie Shoop is suckered into giving up his vacation in Hawaii to teach remedial English to a bunch of losers in summer school. This course is designed for students at the bottom of the academic and social barrel, and lackadaisical Shoop is woefully unprepared for dealing with them. “I’m not a real teacher!” he protests to the Vice Principal. “That’s okay, they’re not real students,” he is told. Shoop cobbles together a lesson plan based on the kids’ personal experiences, combined with crazy field trips. He is busted by the mean Vice Principal for his unconventional methods and threatens to turn him in to the Principal. To save his skin, Shoop swears his students will pass the exam, but underestimates the students’ resistance. Finally, they come to an understanding: if Shoop grants each of them one wish, they will study hard and pass the exam. Neither Shoop nor the kids realized what they bargained for… keeping up both ends of the agreement will turn out to be far more challenging than any of them imagined!

The biggest strength of this film is the perfect execution of the 80’s ensemble cast technique. This is harder to accomplish than one might think. Every actor holds up his end of the script and fits together with the others like the pieces of a puzzle. No single character upstages the others and all are equally unique and memorable. It may even outshine THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985) in the sense that it takes the complex interpersonal dynamics of the students out of the confines of the school setting. It allows us to observe the private details of their personal lives, creating well-rounded characterizations and opportunities for interesting interactions and scenarios. Viewers often comment on how relatable the characters are, either to themselves or people they know. There’s a reason why teen movies often recycle the same stereotypes, and that’s because they are usually accurate. Here, the formulaic roles are so deliciously twisted, so ridiculously goofy, that it infuses the tired old clichés with fresh new life

This is a rather short review, as there’s really not much else to say. The movie is as simple and straightforward as they come. This is a theatrical experience which must be experienced and savored, not over-analyzed to death. I guarantee that you will laugh like a monkey and probably hate yourself for doing so. Then, you will check to make sure nobody is looking, hit rewind on the VCR, and watch the whole thing again. It really is that hilarious! 3/5 stars.

SHOOP AND THE KIDS STRIKE A BARGAIN:

“Of course size matters! This is the 80's!"

Who wants to see a movie named after a popular brand of synthetic grass? Notwithstanding the poorly spelled title, TUFF TURF (1985) is a sleeper classic well worth a second look. The main appeal is the pleasure of seeing James Spader playing a good guy for once. After being typecast as the demonic prom-night villain, I was surprised to see how well he looks as the gallant, dashing leading man. His character's development is quite satisfying to observe. In the opening sequence, we discover that despite his pretty face, James Spader is a scary badass. He shoots massive cockroaches crawling around his room with cap guns, rides his bike around the schoolyard security guard in annoying circles, and rocks the leather-jacket-with-popped-collar like nobody's business. However, we later learn that he can also look strangely alluring sporting his Princess Di fringe cut, that he can lip-synch like an angel, and that he will let nothing come between him and his girl. The perfect man? I think so!

When Morgan's father loses his job in Connecticut, he must forget his cushy prepster lifestyle and adjust to a ghetto school in San Fernando. He tries to mind his own business, but Nick the local goon pisses him off by stealing his precious bike and getting it crushed by a car. Time for revenge! Morgan decides to mess with Nick by putting the moves on his pretty girlfriend Frankie. She has really long hair which looks awesome when she dances. However, her clothes are scandalous even by 80's standards. It's a wonder she can walk down the street without getting arrested. Anyway, when Morgan first cuts in at a dance club Frankie tries to resist, but he doesn’t take no for an answer. He wrangles her into his car and the mismatched pair fake their way into a lame country-club party. As an added bonus, Morgan's buddy Jimmy is played by a cute young Robert Downey Jr. with beestung pout and emo mascara. He really is adorable and funny as he dazzles the square girls at the country club.

There is an oddly moving scene where Morgan seats Frankie on a grand piano and sings her a ridiculous and nonsensical song called "I Walk The Night," whatever that means. Henceforth Frankie is smashed on him good and hard and doesn't like her old boyfriend anymore. They later dance in a club with scary psychedelic decor and a band of questionable coolness called Jack Mack & The Heart Attack. I wish I was kidding. They proceed to assail our ears with heinous lounge-lizard pseudo-jazz. Thankfully, this weak portion of the sountrack is more than balanced out by Marianne Faithfull's classically dark and passionate track, "Love Hates."

Frankie table-dances and cage-dances. Did I mention she's dressed like a streetwalker? And that this seems to be like the third dance they went to in the same night? That's okay though, because Morgan and Frankie are really cute and happy together and they are so in love. But then Nick and his homeboys find out about it and beat the crap out of Morgan in the locker room. This is just the beginning of the downward spiral of extreme danger, violence, and crime resulting from Frankie’s indiscretions, leading to the inevitable grand showdown between Morgan and Nick.

Their vendetta culminates with the longest, most outrageous knock 'em down, drag 'em out fight sequence I have ever seen on film. I mean this is one for the history books. It clocks in at almost 7 minutes but somehow it felt much longer, I guess because so much stuff happens. Morgan fights Nick and his whole gang of thugs in an abandoned warehouse almost single-handedly and pulverizes them. What makes it funny is that just when you thought Nick was finished, he gets up and comes back for more. By the end he actually climbs up Morgan's pants in agony, inch by inch, as Morgan coldly looks down at him before laying him flat with one last mega-punch. It's too hilarious and almost exhausting to watch.

This film does not break any new ground, but it has no pretensions at cinematic greatness either, and therein lays its triumph. It’s simply a rollicking good time with some laughs, some tears, some violence, some excellent dance sequences, and a happy ending. Also, James Spader makes a pretty darn nice good guy. 3/5 stars.

JIMMY PLAYS DRUMS WHILE WAITING FOR MORGAN TO ARRIVE:

"Fair is fair!"

Here is a film whose iconography is instantly recognizable as emblematic of the 80's, however, most people would have trouble naming the movie. THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN (1985) tells the story of pretty young things Billie Jean (Helen Slater) and Binx (Christian Slater in his first movie role, with blonde hair!), two Texan kids who unwittingly become embroiled in a media circus when they flee a shooting and go on the lam. Billie Jean is an ordinary girl who looks after her younger brother, Binx, who harbors an abnormal attachment to his scooter and a hatred for hot Texan weather. When a neighborhood thug destroys Binx's beloved scooter, Billie Jean tries to extract restitution from Mr. Pyatt, the thug's father, who almost rapes her. Binx defends his sister by shooting Pyatt and the pair must go on the run, along with a couple of Billie Jean's little friends.

While dodging the law, Billie Jean makes her ragtag bunch of fugitives adhere to a strict code of ethics. "We may be outlaws," she says, "But we're not crooks." They leave IOU's in stores they rob and rescue hapless children along the way. She meets an asthmatic filmmaker named Lloyd who is so besotted with her that he films her manifesto and stages his own abduction in service of her cause. He also introduces her to the film "Saint Joan" and Billie Jean immediately chops off her long golden locks, styling herself as a modern-day Joan of Arc. She becomes an overnight sensation, pursued by the media and idolized by hundreds of teens who copy her signature haircut. There are plenty of action-filled chases and tender moments before the inevitable big showdown, and happily these likeable characters get the satisfying ending they deserve.

This film preceded NATURAL BORN KILLERS (1994) by almost a decade, so it is interesting to see the progression of the media's cult of the criminal from the early 80's to current examples, both fictional and real. I have no doubt that Billie Jean's journey provided some inspiration for Oliver Stone's portrayal of Mickey and Mallory. But this is a far tamer picture, backed by a great soundtrack (Pat Benetar's "Invincible" and Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell" are used to great effect), cool sets (including those perennial 80's favorites, the mall, the beach, and the neon lights of the city at night), and adorable actors (keep an eye out for Yeardley Smith, famously known as the voice of Lisa Simpson). However, the only lasting impact of this film is in the iconic image of Helen Slater as punk gamin, preternaturally beautiful with her luminous green eyes and blonde hair cropped boy-short: the face that launched a thousand haircuts.

Overall, not a bad film, worth seeing for a look at the decade's best pixie cut. But once you've watched it once, you probably won't want to see it again. 3/5 stars.

HERE IS THE SCENE WITH THEIR ESCAPE FROM THE MALL: