“Welcome to St. Basil’s!”

I'll admit that I've never been a fan of Andrew McCarthy. In fact, I think Andie's choice of bland, spineless Blaine over Duckie may well be the most puzzling and unsatisfying conclusion in that whole decade of moviemaking. But in HEAVEN HELP US (1985), he more than makes up for that debacle. Here, McCarthy finally achieves a flawless balance between shy, sensitive and romantic in the role of Catholic schoolboy Michael Dunn. After the death of his parents, Michael must adjust to a difficult family life, with his overzealous grandparents pressuring him to enter the church, and a peculiar little sister who needs a lot of attention. If all that wasn't stressful enough, he struggles to fit in with the rough-and-tumble boys in his new school, win the affection of the tough chick at the soda fountain, and avoid the strap of sadistic Brother Constance in class.

The jokes are frequent, sharp, and often utterly outrageous, pushing the envelope of religious and social taboos, but never the boundary of good taste. But what elevates this film above the realm of the typical teen comedy is its courageous willingness to confront important issues with sincerity and compassion. It addresses serious questions of religious belief, corporeal punishment, mental health issues, the connection between religion and social class, and how to cope with family expectations. But it never veers off into maudlin or preachy territory, and you will probably not even notice how thoughtful this film is because you will be laughing too hard!

One of the biggest treats is the always luminous and lovely Mary Stuart Masterson, who plays Michael’s love interest Dani, the blue-collar counter girl. Even with virtually no wardrobe or hairstyle to work with here, Masterson turns in an impressive performance, her image glowing right out of the screen by virtue of spunk and spirit alone. I loved the way the romance between Michael and Dani was portrayed. There is nothing syrupy or soft-lit about these two, just a pure and sweet depth of feeling that I could realistically imagine lasting well into old age. In addition to the rest of the soundtrack which features a spirited potpourri of 50's pop hits, cheeky Celtic jigs, and classics of traditional liturgy, Michael and Dani have a single love scene which showcases a downright brilliant use of Otis Redding's tearjerker "I've Been Loving You Too Long."

Why has this gem of a film been so unfairly denied a place in the pantheon of 80's classics? I think the fact that it's a 60's period piece lacking contemporary fashion and music meant that it didn’t receive the right marketing or audience placement when it was released, and it simply fell through the cracks. In my opinion, it should still qualify under the 80’s genre, as it is an outstanding example of the 80’s ensemble teen cast aesthetic. Each of the characters holds up their corner of the plot so memorably, so uniquely, that I guarantee you will catch yourself giggling over their exploits long after the end credits have finished rolling.

Who can keep a straight face for the scene where Rooney examines the boys' lists of sins before confessional and performs his expert mathematical wizardry to reduce their penances? The always excellent Wallace Shawn makes an unforgettable cameo as a histrionic priest who gives the pre-dance sermon on the dangers of lust. But the comic zenith of the movie is probably when perverted altar-boy Williams is helping the priest give communion to the girls. There is not a strip of skin shown, but it may well be the bawdiest, raunchiest, and most hilarious scene ever!

Okay, so I don't want to completely wreck the film for you by enumerating every single scene. Then I would ruin all the surprises, and besides, there are simply too many to squeeze into a reasonably-sized movie review. So just go out and see it, already! This movie is as good as a modern-day miracle. 5/5 stars.

HERE IS THE SCENE WHERE MICHAEL AND DANI DANCE: