"Something stinks in suburbia..."

I hope all the McDreamy fangirls aren’t going to flame me for saying this, but CAN’T BUY ME LOVE (1987) is not much more than a moderately funny Patrick Dempsey vehicle picture. Yes, children, once upon a time, there was such a thing. That skinny, curly-haired moppet seemed to pop up in practically every teen movie as the ubiquitous babe in geek’s clothing. This isn’t my favorite movie he did in this decade, but it’s harmless and appealing enough to go well with, say, a bag of microwaved popcorn on a rainy afternoon. The plot is easy to follow, relaxing, and offers a few pleasant giggles along the way with a healthy dose of angsty adolescent nostalgia.

Ronald is a hopelessly lame guy who spends his much of his free time tooling around in a lawnmower outside of Cindy Mancini’s house, hoping for a glimpse of the ultra-cool cheerleader. His life is constrained by a rigid routine: homework, lawnmowing, poker night with the guys. Nothing much ever changes and it’s making him crazy. Secretly he yearns for a miracle that will turn around his geekdom and allow him to enjoy a normal social life in his senior year of high school. As they say, good things come to those who wait. He gets the chance of a lifetime when he spots Cindy having a nervous breakdown at the mall, trying to return her mom’s priceless white suede jumpsuit with fringes (don’t laugh, it was the 80s) after she spilled red wine all over it at a party. Ronald was intending to buy a fancy telescope with the money he saved up all summer from mowing lawns, but instead he decides to bail out Cindy and give her a thousand dollars of his hard-earned money to replace the jumpsuit. Before you sigh with admiration at his generosity, wait for the catch: he tells Cindy he wants to “rent her” as his fake girlfriend.

Cindy is horrified, but she has no choice but to agree to this Faustian bargain. In return for the cash, she will help him navigate the social perils of the lunchroom, pizzeria, and school hallway. The idea is that her very presence will make Ronald popular by osmosis. Everyone is appalled by the new couple, both the cool and nerdy kids. But slowly, public perceptions of Ronald start to change. Meanwhile, Cindy and Ronald’s relationship starts blurring the line between business and pleasure, spending more time together and sharing touching thoughts and feelings. Ronald washes her car and Cindy reads him a poem she wrote. He plans an incredibly romantic date which starts out at an airplane junkyard (this is rather inexplicable… I don’t think I can blame this one on the 80s) and ends up looking at the moon in the convertible. Understandably, Cindy completely misreads his signals. Just as she leans in for the big kiss, Ronald busts out with the thought that they should start planning their public breakup. Crushed, but trying not to show it, Cindy goes along with the plan and Ronald makes an over-the-top scandal in the schoolyard the next day. Everyone is so impressed that he had the gall to break up with the hottest girl in school that his social stock skyrockets and the popular girls are all over him.

Ronald thinks he’s got it made, but then he comes face-to-face with the cold hard reality: his coolness is a complete sham. When he is asked to the dance, he panics and rushes to the television, hoping to get a crash-course in the latest moves and grooves from American Bandstand. Tragically, he flips the channel to a documentary on African tribal rituals instead, which brings us to the highlight and the true historical significance of this film: the notorious African Anteater Ritual. At the big dance, he enthusiastically performs perhaps the most spastic and hilarious dance scene of the 80s. The crowd is stunned speechless by his bizarre display. Then a witless jock speaks up: “If the Ronster is doing it, it must be new!” Everyone agrees and by the end of the night, it’s the newest dance craze to sweep the town. Only the nerds who recognize the tribal ritual are clued in to what Ronald has done and shun him completely for his sanctimonious hypocrisy. But there’s nothing they can do. It seems Ronald’s coolness is a force of nature that cannot be stopped. But in his hubris, Ronald has forgotten about the wild card, the only one who knows the secret of his success. And when her social fortunes take a nosedive, Cindy publicly lashes out at the architect of her misery. Will Ronald survive her scathing revelation and succeed in putting things right again? If you don’t already know the answer, watch the film for a textbook case study of conventional 80s teen film conclusions.

The film is not all fluff and silliness. The arrangement between Ronald and Cindy raises many questions about the balance of the sexes and the fine line between the perception of sex as consumption or labor. While nothing serious ever happens between them, the fact that money has changed hands makes the whole thing seem really seedy. As their respective popularities flip-flop, it is never clear who's getting the better end of the deal. Furthermore, the hilarious confusion about the African Anteater Ritual dance is a clever send-up of not only of the rather insane dance styles of the 80s, but of the arbitrary and ephemeral nature of “coolness” itself. Presumably all the high school kids who watched this film were convinced that chasing trends is stupid and resolved to just be themselves from then on. This scene is a wonderful gem of cultural history and the best part of the movie. I’m sharing the clip with you here for edifying and instructive purposes. For those of you with a passionate adoration for Patrick Dempsey or a lot of time to spare, you might want to go ahead and watch the whole thing. 3/5 stars.

THE UNVEILING OF THE AFRICAN ANTEATER RITUAL: