"Something stinks in suburbia..."

I hope all the McDreamy fangirls aren’t going to flame me for saying this, but CAN’T BUY ME LOVE (1987) is not much more than a moderately funny Patrick Dempsey vehicle picture. Yes, children, once upon a time, there was such a thing. That skinny, curly-haired moppet seemed to pop up in practically every teen movie as the ubiquitous babe in geek’s clothing. This isn’t my favorite movie he did in this decade, but it’s harmless and appealing enough to go well with, say, a bag of microwaved popcorn on a rainy afternoon. The plot is easy to follow, relaxing, and offers a few pleasant giggles along the way with a healthy dose of angsty adolescent nostalgia.

Ronald is a hopelessly lame guy who spends his much of his free time tooling around in a lawnmower outside of Cindy Mancini’s house, hoping for a glimpse of the ultra-cool cheerleader. His life is constrained by a rigid routine: homework, lawnmowing, poker night with the guys. Nothing much ever changes and it’s making him crazy. Secretly he yearns for a miracle that will turn around his geekdom and allow him to enjoy a normal social life in his senior year of high school. As they say, good things come to those who wait. He gets the chance of a lifetime when he spots Cindy having a nervous breakdown at the mall, trying to return her mom’s priceless white suede jumpsuit with fringes (don’t laugh, it was the 80s) after she spilled red wine all over it at a party. Ronald was intending to buy a fancy telescope with the money he saved up all summer from mowing lawns, but instead he decides to bail out Cindy and give her a thousand dollars of his hard-earned money to replace the jumpsuit. Before you sigh with admiration at his generosity, wait for the catch: he tells Cindy he wants to “rent her” as his fake girlfriend.

Cindy is horrified, but she has no choice but to agree to this Faustian bargain. In return for the cash, she will help him navigate the social perils of the lunchroom, pizzeria, and school hallway. The idea is that her very presence will make Ronald popular by osmosis. Everyone is appalled by the new couple, both the cool and nerdy kids. But slowly, public perceptions of Ronald start to change. Meanwhile, Cindy and Ronald’s relationship starts blurring the line between business and pleasure, spending more time together and sharing touching thoughts and feelings. Ronald washes her car and Cindy reads him a poem she wrote. He plans an incredibly romantic date which starts out at an airplane junkyard (this is rather inexplicable… I don’t think I can blame this one on the 80s) and ends up looking at the moon in the convertible. Understandably, Cindy completely misreads his signals. Just as she leans in for the big kiss, Ronald busts out with the thought that they should start planning their public breakup. Crushed, but trying not to show it, Cindy goes along with the plan and Ronald makes an over-the-top scandal in the schoolyard the next day. Everyone is so impressed that he had the gall to break up with the hottest girl in school that his social stock skyrockets and the popular girls are all over him.

Ronald thinks he’s got it made, but then he comes face-to-face with the cold hard reality: his coolness is a complete sham. When he is asked to the dance, he panics and rushes to the television, hoping to get a crash-course in the latest moves and grooves from American Bandstand. Tragically, he flips the channel to a documentary on African tribal rituals instead, which brings us to the highlight and the true historical significance of this film: the notorious African Anteater Ritual. At the big dance, he enthusiastically performs perhaps the most spastic and hilarious dance scene of the 80s. The crowd is stunned speechless by his bizarre display. Then a witless jock speaks up: “If the Ronster is doing it, it must be new!” Everyone agrees and by the end of the night, it’s the newest dance craze to sweep the town. Only the nerds who recognize the tribal ritual are clued in to what Ronald has done and shun him completely for his sanctimonious hypocrisy. But there’s nothing they can do. It seems Ronald’s coolness is a force of nature that cannot be stopped. But in his hubris, Ronald has forgotten about the wild card, the only one who knows the secret of his success. And when her social fortunes take a nosedive, Cindy publicly lashes out at the architect of her misery. Will Ronald survive her scathing revelation and succeed in putting things right again? If you don’t already know the answer, watch the film for a textbook case study of conventional 80s teen film conclusions.

The film is not all fluff and silliness. The arrangement between Ronald and Cindy raises many questions about the balance of the sexes and the fine line between the perception of sex as consumption or labor. While nothing serious ever happens between them, the fact that money has changed hands makes the whole thing seem really seedy. As their respective popularities flip-flop, it is never clear who's getting the better end of the deal. Furthermore, the hilarious confusion about the African Anteater Ritual dance is a clever send-up of not only of the rather insane dance styles of the 80s, but of the arbitrary and ephemeral nature of “coolness” itself. Presumably all the high school kids who watched this film were convinced that chasing trends is stupid and resolved to just be themselves from then on. This scene is a wonderful gem of cultural history and the best part of the movie. I’m sharing the clip with you here for edifying and instructive purposes. For those of you with a passionate adoration for Patrick Dempsey or a lot of time to spare, you might want to go ahead and watch the whole thing. 3/5 stars.

THE UNVEILING OF THE AFRICAN ANTEATER RITUAL:

"It's almost like school in there!"

What happens when you throw every cinematic cliché of the 80s onto the screen at the same time? I’m talking about combining a tough-talking urbanista, pregnant new-waver, helium-voiced geek, distracted surfer chick, amateur gigolo, stupid football player, foreign exchange hottie, and two freaks who reenact scenes from horror movies in gruesome detail at every opportunity? Well, in the case of SUMMER SCHOOL (1987), you get a veritable miracle of comedic alchemy. This throw-away flick was clearly made with more love and care than the typical teen comedies of today. That's why this spicy potpourri of comic zingers and visual gags keeps audiences laughing over two decades after many of its more stuffy contemporaries have been forgotten.

Slacker gym teacher Freddie Shoop is suckered into giving up his vacation in Hawaii to teach remedial English to a bunch of losers in summer school. This course is designed for students at the bottom of the academic and social barrel, and lackadaisical Shoop is woefully unprepared for dealing with them. “I’m not a real teacher!” he protests to the Vice Principal. “That’s okay, they’re not real students,” he is told. Shoop cobbles together a lesson plan based on the kids’ personal experiences, combined with crazy field trips. He is busted by the mean Vice Principal for his unconventional methods and threatens to turn him in to the Principal. To save his skin, Shoop swears his students will pass the exam, but underestimates the students’ resistance. Finally, they come to an understanding: if Shoop grants each of them one wish, they will study hard and pass the exam. Neither Shoop nor the kids realized what they bargained for… keeping up both ends of the agreement will turn out to be far more challenging than any of them imagined!

The biggest strength of this film is the perfect execution of the 80’s ensemble cast technique. This is harder to accomplish than one might think. Every actor holds up his end of the script and fits together with the others like the pieces of a puzzle. No single character upstages the others and all are equally unique and memorable. It may even outshine THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985) in the sense that it takes the complex interpersonal dynamics of the students out of the confines of the school setting. It allows us to observe the private details of their personal lives, creating well-rounded characterizations and opportunities for interesting interactions and scenarios. Viewers often comment on how relatable the characters are, either to themselves or people they know. There’s a reason why teen movies often recycle the same stereotypes, and that’s because they are usually accurate. Here, the formulaic roles are so deliciously twisted, so ridiculously goofy, that it infuses the tired old clichés with fresh new life

This is a rather short review, as there’s really not much else to say. The movie is as simple and straightforward as they come. This is a theatrical experience which must be experienced and savored, not over-analyzed to death. I guarantee that you will laugh like a monkey and probably hate yourself for doing so. Then, you will check to make sure nobody is looking, hit rewind on the VCR, and watch the whole thing again. It really is that hilarious! 3/5 stars.

SHOOP AND THE KIDS STRIKE A BARGAIN:

"It was nothing. It still is nothing."

Prospective viewers of the film LITTLE DARLINGS (1980) should heed the warning on the promo poster: don’t let the title fool you. The standard summertime coming-of-age story is elevated to a new level by a raw, unvarnished production style. The focus is on fifteen-year-old girls Angel and Ferris, attending summer camp away from home for the first time. What a pleasure it is to see a film where the characters are played by young actors who actually look their age! While the film never misses a chance to revel in clumsy humor, it also treats the characters with dignity and refuses to allow the scenario to deteriorate into a farce. The tone of the story is pitch-perfect and will ring true with anyone who survived adolescence.

Angel is a rough tomboy who shuns cliquish chatter about boys and clothes. Ferris is a preppy princess too fragile for dirt and outdoor sports. Both are marginal characters in the camp society, and their position is exploited a devious sexpot named Cinder. She invents an amusing summer diversion for her bunkmates: they will wager on which girl will lose her virginity first. After Ferris emerges as the betting favorite, Angel rises to the challenge. Ferris and Angel cast about for targets of their seduction. Over-confident Ferris chooses the much-older sports coach. She bats her eyelashes, shows off her French, and fakes a drowning in an attempt to win his attention. Meanwhile, Angel gathers a posse and sneaks over to the boys’ camp on the other side of the lake. There she encounters bad-boy Randy, who has the same shag haircut as she does, and the sparks fly between them. The race is on to see who will land her man first.

Their bunkmates act as a Greek chorus, egging on the girls when they lose their nerve and offering well-meaning but misguided advice. There is much hilarity as they spout misinformation in the form of literary clichés, urban legends, old wives’ tales, and superstitions. Eventually they begin to feel guilty over their role in the bet. “Maybe losing your virginity should be a private thing?” wonders one of the girls. But it’s too late. Friendships, reputations, and a lot of cash are riding on what happens. The film's scenario represents the vested interest of peers and society in sex as performance. It offers an astute commentary on how the private sexual experiences of teens are appropriated by the public sphere, in the media, politics, and religion.

The film’s brilliance lies in recognizing that for Ferris and Angel, sex boils down to a struggle to validate their identity. Ferris suffers from a nebulous confusion between fantasy and reality. In acting out her Harlequin daydreams, she wants to shed her false sophistication and overcome her reputation as the annoying rich girl. Angel has inherited a crude view of romance from her cynical mother and is desperate to be seen as more than just a sex object. When she baits Randy with the accusation, “I’m not sexy to you,” she is devastated when he replies, “All girls are sexy.” Both Ferris and Angel fight to assert their personhood through sex, and each discovers in her own way that even when you are as close as you can possibly be to another person, you can still be very lonely.

The tragedy of modern adolescence portrayed in the film is that the girls are wise beyond their years and know more than they should. Both girls have a complicated family life. On Family Day, Ferris’s father breaks the news that her mother has left for Reno. “But people get divorced in Reno!” exclaims Ferris. Angel interrogates her mother about how she lost her virginity and receives a very disillusioning response. For the viewer, there is a constant nagging horror that the girls are too young to handle the situations they have been thrust into. When Angel has an epiphany and exclaims, “I’m not a woman!” we know it has come to her at a great cost.

There are many layers of meaning in LITTLE DARLINGS. Superficially it has a wholesome, unpretentious charm. It vividly captures the exquisite awkwardness of growing up. The plot is enjoyable, full of cutesy food fight, campfire songs, and oddball costumes. However, the self-conscious scenes of sun-kissed girls frolicking in the blooming outdoors lend an unsettling element of a pastoral Eden just waiting for the Fall. There is a creepy and titillating element of virgin sacrifice, reminiscent of PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK (1975), lurking just below the surface of the straightforward plot and making the film far more nuanced than it seems.

LITTLE DARLINGS is a film is about the loss of innocence in every sense of the word. It examines the way we construct our knowledge of the world, and depicts the appeal and agony of experience. The shocking betrayals and incredible heartbreaks the girls inflict on each other awaken them to the cold fact that life rarely turns out like you thought it would be. At the same time, the film is refreshingly untainted by the crude, clinical vulgarity masquerading as realism which mars contemporary teen dramas like THIRTEEN (2003). Finally, here is a film which fully recognizes that the cerebral and emotional effects of sexual initiation outlast the physical ones. By the time the summer is over, no one is interested in the outcome of the contest. The girls learn that in the bittersweet game of growing up, there are often no winners. 4/5 stars.

ANGEL MEETS RANDY AS PENELOPE RAIDS THE BOYS' ROOM: